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In the summer of 2022, things were starting to reopen after COVID. Like a lot of people, my thoughts turned to reaching out to friends I hadn’t seen during the lockdown. A favorite winery had moved to a new location, and it had a patio. I texted my friend and suggested we get together there – it was always a favorite spot to go, and now we could be extra safe by sitting outside. She seemed a bit reluctant, mainly because work was crazy and she wasn’t sure when to meet. After a bit of back-and-forth, we got a date on the calendar. But a few hours before we were supposed to meet, she called. I could hear the stress in her voice. She was tired from too much work and needed to cancel. I understood- work stress was no stranger to me either. After ending the call, I couldn’t help but reflect on the history of our friendship. We had met years ago at work and bonded over a dysfunctional office environment. Eventually, I left, and several years later, so did she. She was climbing the corporate ladder while I was juggling a stressful career with motherhood.

We did a lot of ‘fun’ things together, which, as a working mom, I didn’t get to experience much outside of her company, like better restaurants, wine tastings, etc. We enjoyed those similar experiences. The conversations were also similar each time – we continued to discuss the ins and outs of office politics. I suppose I was flattered that she sought out my advice. However, I began to notice that I often left feeling full of empathy but empty of connection after one of our hangs. This dynamic reflects something deeper about how we experience depth differently in friendship.

So when she canceled on me that day, I felt a sense of calm. Maybe this was the end. I didn’t feel mad or rejected. I actually felt clear. I took a deep breath and exhaled.  

I didn’t jump to reschedule anything. And neither did she. 

At the time, I couldn’t name what I was noticing—I only knew how it made me feel. 

It would take me years to understand that what I was feeling wasn’t loneliness — it was misalignment.

If you’ve ever felt this kind of quiet disconnect in an otherwise “good” friendship, you might be noticing what I now think of as the Friendship Gap.